So, I have been taking a parenting class for the past several weeks. A gal in my ward is a Marriage and Family Therapist and offered to teach a class for the sisters in our ward. There is a group of about 20 of us that attend in her home. Well, let's just say that this class has been nothing like what I expected. I expected to go and have her give me solutions to all my parenting woes.... I wanted to leave from the class, go home, do what she said, and BOOM, BANG- have things fixed. Needless to say, that is not what has happened. This is a class about fixing yourself, it is about finding out why it is that you parent the way you parent, it is about why you function is relationships the way that you do. In a nutshell, it has been about getting to know yourself and what makes you tick. We discovered our parenting styles. There are 3 different ones, autocratic, permissive, and democratic. I discovered that I am all 3. When I was learning about these, I was thinking, "What am I, schizophrenic or something?" But, then I realized that I had 3 different parents, my dad, Janalee, and my mom, who were each one of these different parenting styles. Your parenting style usually reflects how you were parented.... or you can be completely opposite because you vowed that you would do things different than your parents. Either way, you can trace the way you parent to the way you were parented. I guess in a way, I now feel like it could be a good thing to have a combination of all 3 parenting styles, because from what our teacher said, none of them are wrong or right.
We took the Alderian Lifestyles Priority test to determine what type of personality we have. Here again, I was quit close in several different categories, but most closely fit the category entitled "Pleasing". Basically, I always feel like I need to please others, even if it is at my own expense. Some of the assets of a person with this type of personality are that you are, Friendly, considerate, non agressive, likely to volunteer, compromises, does what others expect. I thought those were some good qualities to have, but then I looked at some of the other stuff and realized that people pleasers often lose respect for themselves and others, they have less growth, and are often self berating. They hate rejection, and they are always searching for some kind of approval. Although I feel that I genuinely love to help and do everything I can for people, I do feel like throughout my life, I have gotten myself into many situations where I have lost myself, and allowed myself to be taken advantage of. I think this comes out of a fear of someone not liking me or in general, a fear of rejection. We also looked at birth order, and how that plays a role in what your personality is, and how you deal with situations. I, being the oldest in my family, fit pretty perfectly with the characteristics of the Eldest child. I realized also that the characteristics of the eldest child, in my case, also go hand in hand with the Pleasing personality. Right now, I am reading a book that my teacher suggested, called "The Disease to Please. Curing the People Pleasing Syndrome". So, far this book has been very eye opening, making me realize things that I do, that I wasn't really even aware of. At first a lot of the stuff I was learning about myself was hard to take in, but now I am really appreciating knowing this stuff so that I can catch myself doing certain things and hopefully make some changes for the better. To me, the key is balance. If we could somehow learn to find balance in our lives, we would be more at peace. .... we would be more content in all of our relationships, with God, with our spouses, children, and everyone.
Now, on to the actual parenting stuff I have learned. The thing that has stood out the most to me so far, and actually helped me the most has been: Removing myself from the situation that gets me upset or worked up. I often get very frustrated with my kids because they don't mind me and because I have to ask them over and over again to do things. It seemed like there was always contention of some kind because I was constantly asking or yelling at them to do something. For example, mornings have been a challenge for us. I could never get the kids to get moving and get the simple things done that they needed to do in order to go to school. Every morning, it seemed, they would leave sad or mad, because I was mad at them, and then my morning would be ruined because I felt bad that I had yelled or got mad at them. So, in class, I used this example, and asked the question, "How do you get your kids to mind you?!" Well, I ended up learning that I am not good at following through with consequences, mostly because, well, it goes back to that pleasing thing.... and plain and simple, I just don't like being mean. So, my kids have learned that basically they can get away with things, because I am not consistent with making them receive a consequence for their action...... good or bad. A girl in the class suggested that I make a Morning Chart for each of the kids and post them in their rooms. I had tried job charts and such before, but this is different. These charts have every little thing that they need to do in order to be ready for school. I decided that I would even take it one step further and make Afternoon and Night Time Charts also. Happy Day!!!! Life has been much improved since the implementation of the CHARTS! When the kids wake up or come home from school, I simply say, "Get going on your charts!" and remove myself from the situation. Of course, it hasn't been perfect, they still have their moments when they don't want to do anything, but over all the atmosphere in our home has been much improved. I don't yell as much, and as a result, I am calmer, and everyone is happier. When the kids fill their charts consistently for 1 month they get to go on a one on one date with mommy to somewhere of their choice. They are getting close! They have almost completed their 3rd week.
The website I use for these charts is
http://www.freeprintablebehaviorcharts.comI like these charts because I can make them fun for the kids by having a different character or theme each week. The kids are now excited to wake up Monday morning and see who or what will be on their chart for that week.
Another thing I have implemented is having the kids do chores. Dillon is in charge of taking the garbage out every day, and Ashlynn is in charge of unloading the dishwasher. These two things are included in their weekly charts. On Saturdays though, I like to clean the whole house, and I feel that my kids are old enough to help me. I tried giving them lists like I use to have growing up, but that didn't work too well. They just fought and complained the whole time, and made it not even worth it. So, one day I was thinking about how I could get them to help willingly and came up with having them draw jobs out of a baggie. I just put the jobs that need to be done on a piece of paper, cut them out, and put them in a baggie. Each of them then draw 3 or 4 jobs out of the baggie and write them down on a piece of paper. I always have an uneven number of jobs in the bag and then I draw the last one. The kids like that because they think it is funny to see which one I end up with. This system has helped out immensely! They cannot complain anymore about which job they receive because they drew it out of the bag! Just like the charts, this system, turns the responsibility to them instead of to me.
With a little less stress and contention in our home, it has given me the motivation to try and improve on other areas. I have made a goal of having Family Home Evening, which I am sorry to say has not always happened with us. We are having Family Home Evenings on the same things the kids are learning in Primary each week.
I was given this idea for FHE for the entire year of 2009. It has been working out great for us, and I love it because it just reaffirms what the kids are already learning in Primary.
Dillon and Mrs. Roqueni (the principal)
